This article scared the hell out of me. Imagine if millions of cockroaches came crawling out of your toilet bowl while you were on it, in the process of making No.2!!

>> Cockroach that can fly are actually pregnant. According to the
>> documentary film, their ability to fly stem from a survival instincts to protect
>> their eggs while incubating. So it's a natural progression of their ability
>> when a female cockroach gets pregnant.
>>
>> So when you do see a flying cockroach, be sure to send it flying to
>> heaven before it spills its evil spawns out!!!
>>
>> To totally eliminate their race, after killing the pregnant cockroach, use
>> alcohol to burn it, so as to totally wipe out the eggs remember the movie
>> Aliens, where Sigourney Weaver burns the eggs??
>>
>> That's the only way to totally kill out these roaches. Do not attempt to
>> flush the dead cockroach down the toilet without burning it or totally
>> squashing it!
>>
>> The eggs will still hatch and climb out to spread their evil around and
>> you'll have more to deal with in time.
>>
>> Also, do not use insecticide on the pregnant cockroach cos it will only
>> help the eggs to develop resistance against the insecticide in future.

Apologies for the half-assed post. Recuperating from post-exam euphoria. Hell starts tomorrow. In Muar.

Have a Happy New Year. Whatever.

Well so I have realised today that there IS an upside to Chinese New Year. It is the time of the year where nearly everyone leaves for their respective hometowns, leaving the Klang Valley totally void of traffic. It's actually the only festival of the year where outstation people remain in their small towns and wait for us Klang Valley people to populate their streets with cars. What an oddity it must be for them.

I recall being irritated the whole day everyday during the Christmas period leading up to the NYE week. It was painstakingly torturous. Cars from all over. Number plates beginning with letters you never knew even existed. And what the hell is Pontian?!

My. Gosh. They. Were. So. Slow.

Of course, having sat for their driving tests on donkeys, you can't blame them for thinking that 30kmh is breakneck speed. At half this speed, their donkeys' legs would have swung out of their sockets and onto the other side of the road. Wait, what am I talking about - there is only ONE side of the road. So let me rephrase, their donkeys' legs would have swung out of their sockets onto the road. Or pebbles. Or what used to be grass. Whatever they use to pave the way.

Driving behind slow drivers whether or not you are in a hurry is not unlike waiting in a queue for the bathroom behind a guy who cannot decide whether to unzip his fly or to pull his trousers all the way down when you are almost to the point of bursting with nature's liquidy goodness.

It gets worse in parking lots. Having spent their entire life looking for the indian man on a bicycle to pay their parking tickets, they feel rather lost when they are faced with a small piece of a paper and a magnetic strip running along its either side. For a moment, they may even be in absolute bliss, thinking that there's no way anyone is going to be able to tell how long they have parked their car. Of course, until they realise that they are charged a flat rate every time they park. Which would be too late anyway because they would only find that out when people start yelling at them for trying to exit the carpark without first paying at the Autopay station.

Now if you are reading this right now and you're not from the Klang Valley, you can stop looking for my email address on this blog to send me hate mails. For two reasons. One - you won't be able to find it because it's not here. Two - I am probably not talking about you. If you're competent enough to use a computer, I am sure you know that you have to pay for your parking ticket at the Autopay station. And that 5th gear isn't only used by stunt drivers in Hollywood. You probably even plan on the way to the bathroom whether it's zip down or trousers down.

So, please, stay calm.

The world as we know it, is coming to an end. Soon enough, the world is going to collapse or explode. Or implode. The signs are all too obvious. In fact, the signs are screaming bloody murder at us for attention and yet we just trample all over them as we rush to work. You just can't ignore the many things that are wrong with the world. A 67 year-old was molested just last week.

Worst yet, everybody's driving habits are getting more and more horrific by the day. You're driving on the supposed fast lane which is the far right lane. And yet, you're doing only 80kmh. Apparently, flashing your lights or signaling right to tell the car in front of you to get the hell out of the way doesn't mean hoot anymore. I can completely understand if the car in front is a beat up 120Y, but more often than not, it's actually quite a decent car.

You see, the problem is that everyone thinks that they are fast drivers. It doesn't matter whether you're doing 50kmh in an S-Class, or 80kmh in the exact Proton Saga that Mahathir snapped a photo with when it first rolled out of the assembly plant 20 years ago - you should not be on the fast lane if you decide to abide by the hideously ridiculous speed limits. Most highways have three lanes. If you're planning to take a stroll but can't anymore due to wobbly knees and a severely arched back, then for the goodness of the world, drive on the left lane. If you swear that rules are the best thing since pocket tissue packs, or are an Evangelical, then the middle lane is for you. Keep the right lane free for those who wish not to waste anymore time on the road since life is already short.

Toilets. Disabled toilets, specifically. What the hell is wrong with architects? It's bad enough that disabled people have to hobble (or wheel) around the entire shopping complex looking for a toilet kudos to our splendid You-Are-Here directories, but when they finally find a toilet, they have to go all the way to the back to use the disabled stall. Which is normally the dirtiest since literally everyone takes a dump there. Well, it's the biggest and there's always toilet paper. Plus, you get the support of a handrail to help you get up from that glorious porcelain throne.

Newer shopping complexes offer the luxury of an individual toilet for the disabled. Ironically, they are always locked and there's a sign that tells you to get the keys from the information counter. Back to that damned directory again.

Local newspapers are taking a dive. When festivals are round the corner, stupid people start doing stupid things. And these people attract even stupider journalists who see fit to feature a 23-page colour pullout on the world's biggest mooncake - supposedly filled with 5000 salted eggs. Nevermind that they show pictures of the idiotic cooks who decided to start on the project in the first place; our MPs are actually at the scene, posing with a Gulliver of a spatula. The only way they could lose more respect was by actually swimming in the mixture itself.

Read: In an unrelated incident, two Bangladeshis were caught for suspicion of theft. They have been detained for further questioning, and may be required to perform squats to ensure that they have not shoplifted more than five packs of condoms as claimed by the men themselves. Police District Officer Datuk I-Wanna-See-Those-Squats refused to comment any further.

WHAT THE HELL! Can't they afford to separate two unrelated stories into two separate articles? Or not even publish the second story if it's not something we need to know less we live in regret for the rest of our lives, not knowing whether there was a sixth pack stuffed up some janitor's bum?!

Maybe it's just Malaysia that's going to collapse. Or explode. Or implode.

Better get those bags packed.